23 September 2011

Enough.

I'm not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. I'm very far from perfect, actually, as are most people that I know. I've been under a lot of stress lately for many reasons - job stress, medical related stress, money stress, etc. I actually can't think of a time in the last ten years of my life that I've ever felt stress-free but the past few months have proven to be quite the hurdle. Some days I wake up not feeling like myself, living in a cloud of worried thoughts, rushing through the day to get home, only to not want to do anything but sleep when I do. I don't quite know how to deal with it, and every once in a while, like tonight, when the sum total of stress becomes too large for my brain to figure out how to handle, I lose it. I cry like a baby for hours on end, mope around like a rag doll, and just want nothing to do with myself.

Despite the fact that I know I am not perfect and never will be (nobody ever will, quite honestly), I try to live my life with a solid set of morals, and infuse everything I do with as much creativity and love as I can muster. Some days I can only muster a small amount, and others I could fill a stadium with the amount of love I pour into everything I do.

I try not to be a negative person, but with stress eating away at my very core its difficult not to sometimes. I know that a lot of people think that I'm a negative person because I don't put up with a lot of shit. I don't play well with strangers: I hate small talk, fake smiles, feigning interest in their sometimes boring little lives. It irks me. I tend to shy away from others that I don't know, and those that I do know and let in to my life, I love and adore with everything I am inside of me.

I am lucky. I live in a country where free speech is allowed. I have a roof over my head (despite sometimes not knowing how I'll pay rent). I have food in my fridge (even if its not appetizing some days when we're out of grocery money and pay day isn't for another week). I have a wonderful and beautiful man who loves me for who I am and for what I stand for. I have the cutest hamster in the world (yes, I said it), who supplies endless hours of entertainment in a cute, fluffy package. I have a few friends who I think are pretty damn amazing. I have passion, desire, and creativity. I marvel at the small yet spectacular things in life, and I feel not nearly as many people who should, do.

I am not perfect. But I have love, and that is enough.

1 comment:

colleenrose said...

And you ARE loved. Even if some of us aren't so great about showing it...